Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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