man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
