Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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