the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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