hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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