I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
