i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
