We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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