I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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