I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
