babies were throwing up all over the place
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
