gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
