2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
