apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
