Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
