i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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