I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
