I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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