I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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