you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
