Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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