Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
