i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
