My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
