I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
