Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
