hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
