This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
