Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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