Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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