Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
is wine microwaveable?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
