Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
