i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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