Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
