I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
