My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
