She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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