I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
