I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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