oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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