apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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