if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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