you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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