if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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