i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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