headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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