We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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