Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
