dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
