went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
