You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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